Brave - Not Me

I want to start by saying that I am so incredibly blessed to have such supporting and amazing people in my life. As I've said before I was nervous to take this journey public for fear that I may pay too much attention to the nay-sayers.  I made my first post nervously, completely unsure of how my story, my reality, would be received. To say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement. So many people posted on Facebook, called, texted, etc . And you all were so unbelievably kind.

So it seems I have fooled quite a few of you into thinking I'm brave. Bahahahaha. Jay and I were having a talk about this the other night and I told him that I really wish people would stop using that word to describe me. He also uses that word despite my protests but whatever. Truly, I don't feel brave. I think a lot of it has to do with how scared I am. I'm scared of so many things as it relates to this surgery, this decision. I'm scared of the pain, the recovery time, and the financial strain my time off work could cause. I'm scared that I'll struggle with body image issues, that my husband won't look at me the same way or touch me the same way. I'm scare of how this surgery could affect my son.  I won't be allowed to pick him for several months.  The point is, and I'm sure you've gotten it by now, I'm scared. I'm not brave.

The other night on the phone with Berkley (my super awesome best friend) we were chatting about her coming to visit/help in June, after the surgery, and for some reason, she called me brave. Now, I was talking to Berkley, so I can't say "not you too, please quit saying that word " because then that'd spark a chat- the long kind - that results in tears and Oreos. Instead, I responded with "I really don't feel that way, but thank you."


So to those of you who used that term, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart but truly, I don't deserve it. I'm just a mom, wife, woman. I've made this decision to be proactive with my breast health because I want to make sure that I can continue to be those things! So please save the brave term for those who deserve it, those women who are battling cancer, getting chemo, and still wear a smile on their faces for their family.