A long time coming....

On May 24th, at 7:30 a.m., I will have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy. On May 24th, I will take control of my breast health. Most importantly, I will ensure that breast cancer doesn't take me away from my son and husband.

I do not have cancer. I do, however, have the BRCA mutation. This means I have a nearly 90% likelihood of developing breast cancer and 40+% of ovarian cancer. I have a significant family history with breast cancer effecting both sides of my family. The decision to have a mastectomy was not difficult. This surgery will take my likelihood of developing breast cancer from nearly 90% to below 1%. I've always lived in a state of not if I get breast cancer but when I get breast cancer. I've had mammograms since I was 28. My first one was irregular and required a follow-up. From then on, I lived in a state of crippling fear every time I was due for another...always wondering, is this the time they'll find cancer? After discussions with my gynecologist, he referred me to a genetic counselor, and on October 11, 2012 - Jay's birthday - I got my positive BRCA result. There wasn't much discussion. Jay and I had already decided our plan of attack in the event of a positive result. Then began a whirlwind of appointments with a team of doctors. 4 weeks ago, I had a oopherectomy, a partial hysterectomy to remove my Fallopian tubes and ovaries. Yes, this means no more kids for us and even more fantastic, I am in full blown menopause. All recovered from that and so now here we are, 3 weeks away from the big one. I'm choosing to have my reconstruction in the same surgery. I will be have a DIEP flap reconstruction. In simple terms, the plastic surgeon will make my new breasts out of stomach fat, essentially giving me a tummy tuck. This is not a simple reconstruction, however, it is the one that will require the least amount of maintenance over my lifetime, among many other benefits.

The surgery itself is no joke. I'll be under for 10-12 hours. I'll be in the hospital for 5-8 days. I'll likely be sent home with numerous drains and miss 5-8 weeks of work. I do not doubt the impact this will have on my life. I'm acutely aware of the burden this will put on my husband and the confusion it will cause my son. This is a decision we made as a family and something that we have prayed about a great deal.

It's funny to think that just last week, I had no intention of making my surgery public. Of course, those closest to me knew...my husband, parents, grandparents, my very close friends, and my small group at church. Strangely, the closer I get to my surgery date, the more empowered I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified. However, more now than ever, I have no doubt that this surgery is the best choice for me.

I'd toyed with the idea of a blog, more so as a journal than a public forum. Every time I nearly started one, I stopped. At 30, it's sad to admit that I still care what other people think. I think a part of me was afraid that I'd hear too many negative opinions of my decision and that I would start to question myself. Well, that's not happening. Over the past several months, I've read so many blogs and boards on this topic, some truly phenomenal. I admired these women for posting their fears, triumphs, disappointments, and even pictures. It took me a bit to realize that these women did these blogs for not only themselves, but also for people like me, women who want to hear the good the bad and the ugly. So, while this blog is for me (I really need the catharsis of journaling) I'm also making it public in hope that I may encourage, empower, or just make someone giggle.

So this is my blog. I make no promises that it will be grammatically correct or properly punctuated - hell, it may not always make a ton of sense. Those of you who know me know that I sometimes lack a filter, so please bear with me and my train-of-thought writing. Thanks for reading!